Pieces of Me

Monday, April 19, 2010

Watch My Tongue (or fingers)

I’m a people pleaser.  I want everyone to be happy and everyone to like me.  Don’t get me wrong, I know there are people in this world who are just not happy, and there are people in this world who will never like me.  I get that.  I don’t necessarily like it, but I totally get it.
This part of my personality is a huge flaw in some ways.  I’m a peacemaker.  I try to keep the peace in my world.  I don’t like to cause rifts, and if there is a rift, I want to fix it.  Not always possible.
And when I can’t fix a rift, or when I learn that something I’ve said has caused another hurt, it crushes me.  I never intentionally mean to hurt anyone.  But more times than not, I open my mouth and say something that can literally knock the wind out of someone.  And more times that not, I have no idea that I’ve done it.
I can’t apologize for who I am.  God made me this way.  He’s still molding me into the person He wants me to be.  Believe me, I’m trying to listen to Him.  Trying to allow Him to take me and mold me.  I know sometimes I fight it, but at this point in my life, it’s hard to allow things to be erased.  It’s hard to start over.
But I can ask Him to help me.  Ask Him to guide my thoughts and words.   I can live by Psalm 19:14, “”May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer,” and Ephesians 4:22-24, “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”
I know that some of the words in my last post have hurt a good friend.  And that was not my intention at all.  I had no idea that my words could be so cruel.  I’m not going to go into detail, but judgment and hurt were not my reason for the previous post, and so I have removed any part that may be read in that light.  I do not want my words to ever cause anyone pain.  I want to speak the Truth in love.  I know that my opinions are just that, my opinions, but if a few words can cause someone so much pain, I do not want them on my blog.  I know I can’t just erase what was said and erase how it was taken, but please know, that I truly love and accept everyone – past, present, and future.  There is nothing you can do to change me.  That’s who I am.  I don’t see the past as something that stops me from forming relationships.  I don’t see the present as a time to put off friendships, and I look forward to the future where I can share my life with others.  For me, acceptance of others isn’t difficult.  It’s just my nature.