Pieces of Me

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Made to Crave—Chapter 7 “I’m Not Defined by the Numbers”

  1. When I feel like I don’t measure up, I either kick into withdrawal mode or “I have to prove myself” mode.
  2. If I could clearly hear God’s words to me throughout the day, I hope I would hear things like: “You are worth this Rose.  You are worth the pain and struggle that you are going through to get your body and mind healthy again.  You are worth every minute of time you spend.  No matter what though, I love you.  You’re not alone in this journey.  I am with you every step of the way, just remember to lean on me.”  As far as food and weight issues are concerned, it would be nice if I could hear him say, “Put down that soda and grab your water.  You don’t need that chocolate.  How about some fruit?  It’s okay that you are stressed, but why don’t we have a talk instead of you reaching for that junk?”
  3. I know that I have everything I need from God in order to overcome my struggles with food.  I know that with all my heart.  But I don’t always believe it.  I’m still learning to completely and totally depend on Him during even my biggest struggles.  If I could completely embrace this truth, I know that my relationship with food would not be the struggle it is every day.  And little by little, I know that changes will be made and I will win this battle.
  4. How do the numbers on the scale impact my self-worth?  In all honesty, even though I tell myself it’s not a big deal, I am devastated when the scale doesn’t move in the direction I am working for.  It breaks my heart to work so hard for something and not experience the results.  Often times I forget that regardless of the scale, as long as I am really committing to the changes I am making, I will eventually be at a healthy weight.  It’s not going to happen overnight.  I cannot yet make the statement, “I am a Jesus girl who can step on the scale and see the number as an indication of how much by body weighs and not as an indication of my worth.”  I know that my perspective is changing daily.
  5. Self-defeating thoughts or hurtful comments from others that routinely run through my mind when it comes to food and my weight:   This is a very personal and difficult question for me to answer.  Mainly because although I have a lot of support around me, some of those same people are also enablers or constantly trying to get me to take a break in one area or another regarding this journey.  Some don't accept that I have finally decided to completely give this journey over to God.  I know that when I turn to Him, He's going to lift me up and help me do what may seem to be the impossible.

I've made it all week without a single ounce of caffeine.  I've drank water, caffeine free unsweetened tea and a little diet lemonade.  I've survived mostly on water.  I'm proud of myself, but each day, I have had to actually pray to God to help me grab a bottle of water or actually help me walk to the fridge and get a glass of water instead heading out to get a soda.  The one thing I learned is to constantly have a bottle of water next to me.  First thing in the morning I fill up a bottle of water and start drinking.  Anytime I head to the kitchen, I take that bottle with me and refill it.  #1 it's too hot to drink anything but water, and #2 water is going to help me with my progress.  And it's going to help me stay hydrated.

But I digress, these same people who encourage me some days, try and get me to take a break, cheat, not worry about it on other days when it is convenient for them.  And at this very point in my life, it's not okay.  I'm finally sticking up for myself.  I'm NOT going to go to a Happy Hour right now.  I don't need it.  I probably won't do it once I've lost the weight.  I don't like the way alcohol makes me feel.  I choose to go to certain places at lunch during the week because I have my children with me.  With a 5 and a 7 year old, it is not going to be any fun or enjoyable for me to go hang out at a restaurant.  They are going to whine and complain about having to sit still, and I'm going to be miserable because I'm worried about how my kids are behaving.  I make these choices because I know they are what's best for me right now.  In a few years, my kids may be able to just chill out at a restaurant and not drive me and everyone around me crazy.  But right now, they aren't.  And I want to enjoy my time with whomever I am spending it and so I choose to take them to a kid friendly place.  I may wise choices when eating out.  Probably better when it's somewhere where I have to order my food and take it back to the table with me.  And right now, it’s even better if I just stay home and cook my meals! Smile 

When it comes down to it, now that I want this.  And want to turn to my God to help me achieve this huge goal in my life, I’m going to have to make sacrifices and block out things that make me uncomfortable.  I’m also going to have to face the discomfort.  I can’t face it alone, but with the Lord’s help, I will certainly be able to make it through.

    Friday, June 3, 2011

    Made to Crave—Chapter 6 “Growing Closer to God”

    1. I know for a face that we grow closer to God when we deny ourselves something permissible but not beneficial.  Last year, I fasted for the first time in my life.   It was for 72 hours. It was the first several days of Lent.  I had never done anything so extreme before, but now I am thankful that I did because the spiritual growth I experienced over the time period in which I fasted was amazing.  Instead of food, I turned to the Lord.  Whenever I was hungry, I turned to the Lord.  There were some times when I was physically experiencing hunger pains, I cried out in agony to the Lord.  Sometimes I would sit down with my bible and just pray that it take my mind off of the food that I wanted so badly.  It was not easy, but after the 72 hours, I felt like a completely different person.  I had relied on the Lord’s strength, not my own, to get me through a few difficult days.  Looking back over this fast, I know that if I would turn to the Lord whenever I feel desperate for something to eat that is not good for me, I can totally not eat it.  Denying myself chocolate or ice cream or sodas is something that would not be the easiest thing for me since I have turned to it during my struggles with emotional eating.  If I could just turn to the Lord when I have those emotional meltdowns instead, I’m sure that my entire self would reap the benefits.   Of course, this is easier said than done.  I’m really going to work on it this week.  My kids were stressing me out and instead of praying for a little patience a whole lot of peace, I went straight for a soda.  Not my best moment.
    2. Self-control – an area in my life where I experience self-control?  It’s 7:30 in the morning so that may be the reason I cannot think of one.  I’m so tired and exhausted from a fun filled evening with friends.  I have really good self-control regarding finances, when I want to have it.  And I have great self-control with time management.  With regards to eating, I do really well with portion control and am not one to over eat, but I fully believe that no matter the control one has over portions, if you are eating junk, you’re not doing anything good for your body.  Regarding food and growing in self-control, I know very well that I have to plan out my meals – every day, each week, all month long.  This way I am in control of what I eat, when I eat it and where.  Planning leaves little room for change and makes it easier for me to say no to going out for dinner or grabbing something on the go.  I know that it’s the baby steps I need to get back to.  Also journaling everything eat.  And lately, I have been writing anything I put in my mouth down.  Which isn’t always easy, but it gets the job done. 
    3. I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced the Holy Spirit nudging me in connection with food choices.  Sometimes I have that voice in the back of my head telling me that I could choose something healthier.  I’m guess that was the Holy Spirit.  In time, I need to pay attention and have a two way conversation with the Lord and actually listen for his response. 
    4. I’m sure that food has consumed my thoughts at time more than it should causing me to miss opportunities to receive spiritual nourishment.  As I continue to walk along this new journey of turning myself toward Him in times of what I feel are desperation, I know that the Lord will bless my life.  He forgives me for the times I’ve turned to food instead of Him.  And He wants to change me.  And I want to be changed. Change my heart of oh God.  Make it ever true.  Change my heart oh, I want to be like you.  You are the potter, I am the clay.  Mold me and make me this is what I pray.  Change my heart oh God.  Make it every true.  Change my heart oh God.  I want to be like you.
    5. I am convinced that I am somewhere between spiritually well fed and spiritually malnourished.  I have never intentionally turned to food over God.  I don’t think I’ve ever really put the two together.  I know that the Bible says, "Faith comes by hearing the Word of God." (Romans 10:17) Just as you need physical food for your body, you need spiritual FOOD for your faith to grow.  Yet I’ve never thought that I might turn to food in times where I should be turning to God. 
    6. There are certain foods that are very difficult for me to walk away from.  And this is a clue that I am being ruled by food on some level.  I’m doing my best to make healthier choices instead of eating junk. Like I’ve said before, chocolate is my big issue.  And sweets.  I’m trying to turn to fruit instead of the sugary treats that have no health benefits.  Coca-cola is another one.  We don’t have it in our home.  I don’t allow it because I would drink it all day.  I’m going to do my best to keep water with me at all times and in the moment I feel my weakest, I’m going to drink some water.  If I continue to make these choices and then turn to the Lord in my moments of weakness, I know that I can beat this battle.  It’s no longer about just my physical self.  It’s time to put on my spiritual warfare and turn to the Lord to help me win the battle of the bulge.