- When I feel like I don’t measure up, I either kick into withdrawal mode or “I have to prove myself” mode.
- If I could clearly hear God’s words to me throughout the day, I hope I would hear things like: “You are worth this Rose. You are worth the pain and struggle that you are going through to get your body and mind healthy again. You are worth every minute of time you spend. No matter what though, I love you. You’re not alone in this journey. I am with you every step of the way, just remember to lean on me.” As far as food and weight issues are concerned, it would be nice if I could hear him say, “Put down that soda and grab your water. You don’t need that chocolate. How about some fruit? It’s okay that you are stressed, but why don’t we have a talk instead of you reaching for that junk?”
- I know that I have everything I need from God in order to overcome my struggles with food. I know that with all my heart. But I don’t always believe it. I’m still learning to completely and totally depend on Him during even my biggest struggles. If I could completely embrace this truth, I know that my relationship with food would not be the struggle it is every day. And little by little, I know that changes will be made and I will win this battle.
- How do the numbers on the scale impact my self-worth? In all honesty, even though I tell myself it’s not a big deal, I am devastated when the scale doesn’t move in the direction I am working for. It breaks my heart to work so hard for something and not experience the results. Often times I forget that regardless of the scale, as long as I am really committing to the changes I am making, I will eventually be at a healthy weight. It’s not going to happen overnight. I cannot yet make the statement, “I am a Jesus girl who can step on the scale and see the number as an indication of how much by body weighs and not as an indication of my worth.” I know that my perspective is changing daily.
- Self-defeating thoughts or hurtful comments from others that routinely run through my mind when it comes to food and my weight: This is a very personal and difficult question for me to answer. Mainly because although I have a lot of support around me, some of those same people are also enablers or constantly trying to get me to take a break in one area or another regarding this journey. Some don't accept that I have finally decided to completely give this journey over to God. I know that when I turn to Him, He's going to lift me up and help me do what may seem to be the impossible.
I've made it all week without a single ounce of caffeine. I've drank water, caffeine free unsweetened tea and a little diet lemonade. I've survived mostly on water. I'm proud of myself, but each day, I have had to actually pray to God to help me grab a bottle of water or actually help me walk to the fridge and get a glass of water instead heading out to get a soda. The one thing I learned is to constantly have a bottle of water next to me. First thing in the morning I fill up a bottle of water and start drinking. Anytime I head to the kitchen, I take that bottle with me and refill it. #1 it's too hot to drink anything but water, and #2 water is going to help me with my progress. And it's going to help me stay hydrated.
But I digress, these same people who encourage me some days, try and get me to take a break, cheat, not worry about it on other days when it is convenient for them. And at this very point in my life, it's not okay. I'm finally sticking up for myself. I'm NOT going to go to a Happy Hour right now. I don't need it. I probably won't do it once I've lost the weight. I don't like the way alcohol makes me feel. I choose to go to certain places at lunch during the week because I have my children with me. With a 5 and a 7 year old, it is not going to be any fun or enjoyable for me to go hang out at a restaurant. They are going to whine and complain about having to sit still, and I'm going to be miserable because I'm worried about how my kids are behaving. I make these choices because I know they are what's best for me right now. In a few years, my kids may be able to just chill out at a restaurant and not drive me and everyone around me crazy. But right now, they aren't. And I want to enjoy my time with whomever I am spending it and so I choose to take them to a kid friendly place. I may wise choices when eating out. Probably better when it's somewhere where I have to order my food and take it back to the table with me. And right now, it’s even better if I just stay home and cook my meals!
When it comes down to it, now that I want this. And want to turn to my God to help me achieve this huge goal in my life, I’m going to have to make sacrifices and block out things that make me uncomfortable. I’m also going to have to face the discomfort. I can’t face it alone, but with the Lord’s help, I will certainly be able to make it through.