Pieces of Me

Monday, January 30, 2012

Made to Crave–Chapter 10: This Isn’t Fair!

1.  The last special occasion I attended was for my birthday Smile.  We met at Phil’s Ice House and had burgers and fries, a scoop of Amy’s Ice Cream and MoCakes Cake Pops!  To be honest, I did really well over this weekend which started with Red Lobster Smile.

2.  “Temptation doesn’t take kindly to being starved” (page 101).  When I starve temptation in my life, it usually backfires.  Not allowing myself a little indulgence tends to cause me to make horrible choices.  I binge and then really regret it.  When it comes to food, I have learned that it is okay to give in sometimes, but just a little bit.  I will cut a dessert in half or share with someone.  There are some areas and things that I have to cut out completely.  Alcohol is one of them.  I learned that I just cannot have “one drink.”  Maybe one day I will be able to, but for now, I have to just do without.  And I don’t really crave it.  Soda (or Coke) is another one.  I have learned that I can have a little Root Beer or Sparkling Juice and be fine for weeks, but if I give in to the temptation of a real Coke, it is like a downward spiral and that’s it.  I’m okay with this.  Maybe one day I’ll be able to have it again, but for now, I’d rather have a Chai tea or a cup of flavored (infused) coffee and a scoop of ice cream over 12 oz of soda that I won’t be able to stop drinking.

3.  I know that I am relying on my own strengths instead of turning to him when I #1 – get angry because I can’t have something.  Sometimes Stephen tries to help me and will ask me, “do you really need that?”  It makes me so angry.  But you know what, he’s right.  And now I do it to him.  And although it ticks him off at the time, he knows I’m only trying to help him.  I have a motto – I’m not really hungry and don’t need it if I’m not willing to sit down and drink a glass of water and eat an apple before giving in.  The apple (or pear in this case – I’m a bit obsessed with pears) will fill me.  It will give me the sweet fix I need, and is a much better choice.

4.  I have never felt as if the issues I have with food and weight at God’s unfair curse on me.

5.  Asking myself the question “This feels good now, but how will I feel about this in the morning?” is something I ask myself a lot.  And have Stephen ask.  Usually helps me make the right decision. 

6.  “Compromise built upon compromise equals failure…[P]romise upon promise creates empowerment” (page 104).  As I continue to make small decisions about food are leading me towards empowerment.  I can overcome this unhealthy addiction to food.  And in the end, it will benefit everyone around me, especially my family.

7.  “The struggle to say no may be painful in the moment, but it is working out something magnificent within us” (page 104).  I hope that as I turn to my heavenly father during my journey he will draw me closer to Him.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy


I really wimped out today on my run. I was only going out for a mile, and I'm really disappointed with myself. I can do a mile. A mile is nothing. . . but I wimped out. Now it is crazy Cedar season here in ATX, and instead of running a neighborhood, I thought I would be different and headed to Zilker Park. I didn't want to run the long trail around the lake so I decided to run the trail around the Disc Golf area. Little did I know that they were busy mulching people's Christmas trees in the middle of the field. About 1/2 way through my run, I literally could not breathe anymore and was wishing for my inhaler. I didn't have it with me so I finished the loop (walking) and didn't even make it a mile. So sometime between tomorrow and Friday I have to find time to run a mile because on Saturday I really want to attempt to up my running distance to 1.5 miles. I really think I could do it now, but I'm nursing a killer calf (being treated at the wonderful Dr. Cone's office) and trying to avoid any injury to my ankle, which is hurting because of my calf. I'm happy to say that my hip is doing great and even more so after an adjustment.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Made to Crave–Chapter 9 “But Exercise Makes Me Want to Cry”

  • You know, a long time ago exercise made me cringe.  It wasn’t until 2005 where I actually enjoyed exercising.  After I had lost all my weight, I wanted to maintain my loss so I started swimming.  Mom took Hannah for me on the days/evenings that Stephen worked late and I headed to the local pool and spend 30-60 minutes swimming laps.  After having Cayden, I was too exhausted to exercise and then never really made the time to do so.  Two years ago (2009) I decided I wanted to run/walk a 5k.  I started training and completed the 5k101 training.  I never could run longer than 12 minutes at one time and it took me 18 minutes to finish a mile running, so my first 5k time was 52 minutes.  My 2nd 5k time was 48 minutes which is a little faster, but I’ve never been able to run the entire time.  I endured a stress fracture and had to work my way back up to running, but this winter something inside me changed and I have to say that I love running.  It’s not easy.  But I love it.  And I can run 1 mile (and at the moment only 1 mile, I’ll work up to more over the next few months).  I can run an entire mile in less than 15 minutes (not much less, but still less).  I will continue running just one mile this week and then move on to 1.5 next week and then 2, and so on until I can run 6 miles.  I want to run in a 10k.  I am not sure how it’s all going to work out, but that is my goal.  I am not following any program and hope that once I can run for 30 minutes at a time it will only get easier (I can dream, right?).  Regardless, for a girl who once hated to do any sort of activity, getting outside and running is like a dream to me.  It’s my one on one time with the Lord and just some actual me time where I’m taking care of myself. 
    • I’ve been through lots of experiences that required faith I didn’t think I had.  This summer is probably the best example of that time.  I never imagined that my life would be turned upside down due to the irresponsible actions of one person.  Hard to believe that  6 months and 5 days ago a drunk driver crashed his truck into the side of our house.
      006 008
      Looking at these photos brings back feelings that I really thought were behind me.  I found something I wrote a few days after the accident, “We are very thankful for the Lord's protection during this horrible event.  We recognize how serious the damage is and know how catastrophic the event could have been, we give praise to God every day for keeping us safe during the actual accident.   I know the Lord is using this situation for His good, but that doesn't stop me from being human and stressing out.  One thing I will say is that many times we only feel God's presence (or notice it, thank Him for it) during the good times.  This summer, there has never been a moment when I have not felt Him.  His presence has been here and during this time, I have learned to enjoy His presence, even when things aren't going well.”  My relationship with my heavenly Father is stronger than ever.
      • There are many areas of my life where I feel strong.  Teaching children (music mostly) is one of the biggest strengths.  I know that I’m called to teach.  I cannot see myself doing anything else.  Photography is one of my hobbies and I’ve turned that into a partial career, but teaching is my calling.  And I’m so thankful.
      •  “Teach me your way, O LORD,    that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name.” Psalm 86:11.  When it comes to my body my children and family obligations/commitments compete for my attention and loyalty.  There are times when I feel torn between the desire to honor God and the desire to be loyal to cravings and excuses for not exercising.  If my heart was undivided, I think life would be easier, but I don’t think I would be learning or growing.
      • Some of my time is within my control.  I have several responsibilities or obligations that can’t be changed, but I do have pockets of time each week that I can use for things I want to do.  Only recently have I started actually making time for exercise.  A few weeks ago something changed inside me.  I see how important it is to take care of myself.  And exercise is taking care of myself.
      (Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst)

      Sunday, January 15, 2012

      Finishing What I Started–Made to Crave–Chapter 8–Making Peace with the Realities of My Body

      Months ago I started reading the book, Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst.  I have gone back and forth with myself on whether or not to finish the book.  I struggled with the fact that a lady who only had 30 pounds or so to lose wrote an entire book on weight loss.  And then after talking to a friend and continuing to read through it, I have come to the realization that the book isn’t about weight loss.  It’s about finding a deeper relationship with our heavenly Father and about how we can do NOTHING on our own in this world.  Nothing. 

      Of course, there are some that read that statement and aren’t believers.  And to be honest with you, I do not know how to respond to them.  I just know that I, personally, cannot do this on my own.  I just can’t.  And I think that my struggle with my weight in the most recent years is because I got cocky and thought, I can do this.  *I’ve* done it before.  *I’ve* lost the weight. *I* don’t need to rely on anything.  And you know what, God said, “Oh really. . . let’s see. . .” making the last few years of my trying to lose weight continue to be a battle because I thought I could do it alone. 

      The Lord wants to have a relationship with me.  He wants me to be a part of His family.  He LOVES me.  Paul (our pastor at the Well) touched on it today.  The Lord loves me so much He sings over me—rejoicing in me.  ME!

      The LORD your God is in your midst,
      a mighty one who will save;
      he will rejoice over you with gladness;
         he will quiet you by his love;
      he will exult over you with loud singing.   (Zephaniah 3:17 ESV)

      The Message says it like this –

      Your God is present among you,
         a strong Warrior there to save you.
      Happy to have you back, he'll calm you with his love
         and delight you with his songs.

      Wow!  The least I can do is take care of the temple the Lord gave to me – not because I have to, but because I want to.  Thankful He will take me back EVERY TIME I turn away – which although my faith is strong, is often because I have put food before him.  But now, I know how to fight those cravings by seeking Him.

      Onto the Reflection questions.

      1.  The one physical feature I wish I could change is my nose.  I have always felt like I have a big nose. I don’t’ know why.  It’s silly, but that’s how I feel.  I’ve really come to accept my nose because I’m older and realize that it’s really not that bad, but when I have a photo taken, it’s still the first thing I notice.  Weird, I know.  At the moment, I’m very unhappy with my chest size.  I’ve always had this issue since having my kiddos. . . too much of a good thing, I guess.

      2. My greatest motivation to continue modifying my eating habits and more forward towards my weight loss goal?  I must admit it is how others react to my changes.  Having always been compared to my sister (love you, sister), it has always been hard for me.  Once I started losing weight others referred to me a “pretty” and “lovely” and “thin.”  Those are all words that made me feel good and encouraged me to keep chugging along.  At times recently, they have been demotivators because I have felt like I would never be there again.  And it’s ME beating myself up.  No one else.  Only a few relationships in my life have changed because I’ve put weight back on.  And I realize that there is nothing I can do about that.  I need people to love me for who I am NOW and always, not for who they want me to be.

      3.  The following questions are awesome motivators to ask during the week if the scale says something disappointing:

        • Did I overeat this week on any day?
        • Did I move more and exercise regularly?
        • Do I feel lighter than I did at this time last week?
        • Did I eat in secret or out of anger or frustration?
        • Did I feel that, at any time, I ran to food instead of God?
        • Before I hopped on the scale, did I think I’d had a successful, God-pleasing week? (Made to Crave, pg. 84-85)

      4.  Place an X on the continuum below to describe your current feelings about your body.


      My body is cursed with flaws                                                                              My body is a good gift

      Imagine for a moment that the placement of the X above was made not by me but by someone I love—a child, a friend, a sister.  How would the placement of the X make me feel.  What would I say to that person.  How might you pray for them.  Are these things I could say to myself?  Pray for myself?

        • I know for a fact that other people feel my body is a good gift.  Hannah doesn’t care what I look like.  Cayden tells me I’m pretty.  Stephen shows me daily how much he loves me and thinks I’m beautiful.  He just wants me to be happy with myself. 

      5.  Hidden benefits of my big nose and chest?  I’m gonna have to think about that one.

      6.  If someone offered to grant me one wish (of a choice given) which one would I choose?  The answer is obvious – A permanent reorientation of how I think and feel about my body that would enable me to say wholeheartedly, “I’ve found my beautiful.  And I like my beautiful.” <--- I’m working on it.  Little by little every day. 


      (Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst – Chapter 8)

      Saturday, January 14, 2012

      Ready to Run. . . .

      It’s been a long time since I’ve even looked at my blog.  About a week after my last entry, our life was flipped upside down, and I just haven’t even given a second thought to blogging.  And to be honest, I had just been spending too much time and putting too much effort into Facebook. 

      But I think I’m back.  I don’t know how often I will blog, but I hope it will be more often.  Probably won’t be anything overly profound, but I would like to get back to blogging about my weight loss journey.  It had come to an abrupt halt, but since a few days after Christmas, I’ve been recommitted and actually have nearly lost the 5 lbs I gained back.  And something has really just clicked.  I realize how badly I want this.  Soooo badly. 

      I am ready to run again (literally and for real).  I never thought I was ready to do so, but I learned that as long as I put my focus on Him and rely on my heavenly Father to carry me, I can really do this.  It’s not something I can do on my own.  I do have to be committed and put forth effort, but I cannot do it alone. 

      It’s nice to have Stephen on board and really going for it.  We are both members of myfitnesspal.com and are holding one another accountable as well as encouraging one another.  We are going to make this lifestyle change together and will succeed.  I cannot wait until we are going on runs together as a couple.  It’s going to be awesome.