Pieces of Me

Monday, August 20, 2012

An Explanation for my Absence

When I began this Whole 30 adventure at the beginning of the month, I completely forgot about an important event that would take place during the 2nd full week of August.  Not that this is an excuse for my absence, it is most certainly an explanation for it as well as an explanation for my eating habits.  Last week, I ate 50% of the time on the run – spending time with someone I love dearly – and enduring one of the most difficult things I will ever experience in my life.

Something terrible happened two years ago to a little girl whom I love as my own.  She is my niece by friendship.  The things that happened to her should never happen to anyone – ever – and the outcome of this is completely unacceptable. 

I spent two days this week supporting this sweet girl and her mother while they appeared in court to face the person who did this to her.  Needless to say, the trial was exhausting and time consuming.  Over 12 hours at the courthouse over the course of two days meant meals on the run and, in reality, eating whatever we could find close by. 

I’m sad to say that this person was found not guilty of his actions, and we are all heartbroken.  The last few days of the week were just a time to process and begin to heal – understanding is just not going to happen, but healing and acceptance must take place. 

My faith is shaken.  I am hurting and angry.  It is going to take time to process it all.  I will continue to question my heavenly Father and make Him aware of my feelings.  I’m really not okay with this outcome.  I can’t change it, but I can be angry.  It’s okay.  And I know He loves me and gives me grace.  I know that.  I don’t necessarily want to hear about it from others.  This is going to take time.  I pray others will also give me grace – use His love as an example and just let me be.  Let me be angry; let me be hurt; let me heal.

Anyway, my Whole 30 experience ended 2 weeks sooner than it should have, but the lessons I learned about my body and how I process things is amazing.  I’ve always known I’m a stress eater.  I don’t know how to get rid of this habit that I fall into.  It’s quite crazy to me, but I’m still trying to understand why I do it.  Regardless, I’m not going to beat myself up over it. My time spend with these two people is so much more important that reevaluating my eating habits.  I know where I make mistakes, and I really believe that is the most important lesson in all of this.  I can change my eating habits, continue to make mistakes, and continue to try and “fix” things.  I can continue to make improvement to my lifestyle and my family’s health. 

I cannot change what happened to this little girl or the outcome of it all.  But I can continue to love her and her mother and be there for them while they begin to heal.  And if that means eating a piece of chocolate – well be it.

Edited to add – Forgiveness for me right now is not an option.  I’m thankful no one has asked that question of me.  It’s not happening.  Probably not ever.  This is where having faith gets tricky – there are some that will tell me one sin will separate me from His love forever.  So my faith in Christ is on a thin line right now?  I really don’t know.  Technically, not forgiving is a sin.  And for this – I’m thankful for His grace and mercy.