Pieces of Me

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Beautiful Things


I have been really angry lately. Angry at my heavenly Father. I am still really angry. I’ve never experienced being genuinely angry with God. Ever. Not during what I believe were some of the worst times in my life – miscarriage, stillbirth, death of loved ones, disasters happening around me. I’ve never once gotten angry with the Lord. Not like I am right now.

I’ve said to many recently, I am so thankful for His grace and love because right now, my faith and trust in Him are so small. Tiny. I almost feel like a new Christian.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t doubt the love of my Father. I don’t doubt my love for Him.

But this anger is eating away inside of me. Anger and disappointment. I really feel like the Lord failed those I love deeply. Failed as a Father. A heavenly Father.

Forgiveness is not an option right now. Not at the situation. I really don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive.

Understanding is never going to happen. I will never understand why this has happened and how it could have happened at all. I am to the point now where I realize I have to stop trying to understand because it only makes me more angry.

Acceptance. At some point, there will be acceptance, but I don’t have to be happy with that.

Regardless of my anger, we have still be attended the Gathering on Sunday Mornings at the Well to worship with those who love me and will continue to love me regardless of how angry I am. Again, my feelings are valid.

Mary, dear, beautiful, sweet Mary, chose this song to be sung on Sunday. I’ve heard it before. I’ve sang it before, but I really experienced this song - listened to the lyrics, and felt in my heart that everything will one day be okay.  Is it okay now?  Not really?  Is that okay?  I can live with it.

But most importantly, the ones I love who are experiencing even more gut-wrenching than mine?  They are beautiful.  In spite of everything.  They are beautiful.  And being made new.
        All this pain
        I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
        I wonder if my life could really change at all


       Out of chaos life is being found in You

       You make beautiful things

       You make beautiful things out of the dust
       You make beautiful things
       You make beautiful things out of us
 


      You make me new, You are making me new
     You make me new, You are making me new
 


It's not going to be easy.  It's not going to come quickly.  Healing has to happen.  Healing has to take place.  Trust has to be rebuilt.  Yes, even the trust I have in my heavenly Father.

But I am made new. 


4 comments:

Kelly Sundsvold said...

God works in strange, yet miraculous ways. He is not finished. The only thing that is coming to me after reading your post is the story about the clay pot. He is forming us through everthing to be His vessel. Sometimes bad things happen to us that are unexplainable. ....we are HIS vessel. I'm sorry Rose, that this is happening. You are in our prayers. Love you! Trust that God knows what he's doing with His little clay pot.

Traci said...

I, too, am sorry this is happening and completely understand the anger .... you ARE allowed to be angry! <3

Rebekah Benimoff said...

Rose, someone once told me that it is OK to be angry,because He is a big God and he can take it. I liked that for a long time, it helped me work through much of the PTSD and diabetes diagnosis. However I think a little differently now. I think God allows us free choice, he never forces. And I believe He meets us where we are at. Yes, terrible, horrible things do happen, and we wish he would intervene and make it right. All I know is that in my life, God - and do it right now. But over time, God has taken some of the worst things I thought possible and I am beginning to see how he is using what happened for good. No quick fixes, no easy answers, that's for sure. And NOT what I would have chosen, no. But He invites us to come to him as we are, and that includes angry. Be real with Him, for He already knows. And through the anger, learn how to hold onto fierce hope for healing- for you and for those you love!

Rebekah Benimoff said...

ok RE-TRY:
Rose, someone once told me that it is OK to be angry,because He is a big God and he can take it. I liked that for a long time, it helped me work through much of the PTSD and diabetes diagnosis. However I think a little differently now. I think God allows us free choice, he never forces. And I believe He meets us where we are at. Yes, terrible, horrible things do happen, and we wish he would intervene and make it right-- and do it right now. But over time, God has taken some of the worst things I thought possible and I am beginning to see how he is using what happened for good. No quick fixes, no easy answers, that's for sure. And NOT what I would have chosen, no. But He invites us to come to him as we are, and that includes angry. Be real with Him, for He already knows. And through the anger, learn how to hold onto fierce hope for healing- for you and for those you love!